Thanksgiving.

Another Holiday we have to spend away from daddy... Yet,
I feel very sad that we will not be with daddy tomorrow , I am very blessed that we will get to spend it with my mom and dad. This is going to be the first and last time we will get to in a long time. :) God is good!
I honestly did not think that it would hit me and make me sad to not be with Matt on Thanksgiving, Why I thought that I have no clue!? lol I guess I felt that we were always thankful for all the things we have and that it was just another day to us. Yet I see all the families together and my friends with their spouses and it makes me sad. To think just last year we were all a family and we went to Granny's house all together.
I guess i have to just be glad that we only have 7 more weeks and after the long long year that we have almost been through that should be nothing... like I said SHOULD be nothing yet it still feels like its going super duper slow at times.
Well here we go the things that I am thankful for...
I am so blessed and Thankful for my Lord and saviour ! He has blessed me with two wonderful boys and a Wonderful husband! I am so thankful for the three of them! They fill my life with lots of laughs and hugs and kisses and memories for a life time! They give me so much hope and pride.
I am thankful that I have gone through 10 months without my husband and Grew as a person spiritaly and emotionaly. I am so much stronger than I have ever been in my life.
I am thankful that God blessed us with this deployment in the fact that I needed to find him again in my life. I needed to get back to Church and praising our Lord and this is how he got me back! :) Also I needed to take a look at my marriage and see what I was doing to harm it. I am blessed that God is helping me to be a better wife to my husband!
I am thankful for my parents being able to share in the holidays with us and that Elliott is doing better. :) I am thankful that God put Elliotts mom back in to his life recently and all of his family! He is soo Good!
I am thankful for the friends that God has put in to my life. I love them all! :)
I am thankful for my mother in law who has helped me so oooo soo much throught this year!
I am thankful that God helped me appreciate so much and never take advantage of the little things we have in life!
Happy Thanksgiving!

ALmost a week

It has almost been a week since Matt left... and I have to say this time was so much easier. I cried but not too bad and I still get teary eyed... but I am still strong. I keep telling myself its only two months Melissa and it helps me get through!

So much is going on here at the house so much stress but I am so blessed that God has strengthen me and helped me get through all of it. Pretty soon we will be debt free and Matt will be home and we will be a family once again.

It's almost Thanksgiving. Then Black friday .. :) Then sooner than we know it, it will be Christmas. Then New year and then soon after Daddy will be home! :)
61 days to go!

November 14th 2010

I actually wrote this on November 14th but did not get a chance to post it....

Matt just left today after a fun filled awesome 2 weeks with us! We had a nice halloween with a haunted house inthe garage. Bry was a blues hockey player and Alex was a Vampire. We drove all the way to florida and got on a Royal carribean cruise to the bahamas. It was really really nice there.
Alex and I picked up Matt at the airport. that was pretty AWESOME. We met him at the gate, Alex ran to his daddy and gave him big hugs on the floor!! Then I went down to my knees and hugged the both of them for like 2 minutes! It was something I will never ever forget! Then Matt went to surpise Bryan at his School, KSDK was there they heard that Matt was going to be coming home and doing the suprise and wanted to be apart of it! I still cry to when I see the video! I was so so so nervous the day Matt came home. I have no idea why I was nervous I guess all the time away I wondered if we would all be the same together. As soon as we got together it was like he never ever left we all clicked and were a family once again!

Today I have to say was hard. I felt that I was not strong enough to take Matt to the Airport so we took him to the Metro. I cried the whole way to the Metro and after his last hug and kiss ! Then cried when we got home. House felt so quiet and lonely! Its werid to think a house can feel quiet and lonely with two toddlers! We spent two whole weeks always together, so it was hard to all of a sudden just not have him around. We have been praying and praying today! Praying for Strength for all 4 of us! Today went by slow but I have to say not as slow as Jan 18th 2010 did! We have about 9 weeks till he comes back so I pray God Gets us through and also gives us all strength each and every day.

I am so blessed to have a GREAT husband like him and I cant wait to hug and kiss him again and go live our happily ever after in Hawaii! Let the Countdown begin 67 days!

R&R

Matt is on his leave right now. So he is finally home after 9 1/2 months
I have to say being at the airport with him was awesome.....
I have missed him so much. I was so nervous to get him and it seemed like everything was
the same as before he left
we go on our cruise in a few days and I am excited for that we have never been to the bahamas or on a big vacation like that
I am so blessed to have him safe in our home
I am sad that he is leaving again soon but we are blessed to only have 2 months after that left then we can start getting ready for Hawaii
I have to say that before he got here i was a bunch of nerves the whole week prior I cried a lot and I was so nervous that things would be so different and so chaotic and you know its been so great
I am feeling a little sad about the fact that he is leaving in 13 days but I am trying to see it as we have 13 more wonderful days with daddy
I look at the way things are and I think how the heck did I do it for this long with out him and how the heck am I going to do this again with him gone
It scares me but I know that my faith in our Lord will get me through and keep me

Humbled!

My sweet little 3 year old Humbles me quite often these days. After a full 2 days of Alexandre' being too much for me. Crying at the drop of a hat, Throwing a tantrum for anything i say or dont say. Crying for anything Bry does. I had had it! I was done with the little terrible two year old. I was as patient as I Possibly was going to be. I yelled at him and told him to get his Behind upstairs. He said no to me and then the fight contiuned. We finally got upstairs... screaming and kicking but we got upstairs... Bry started to pray! He was praying for me to have patience and Alex not to be so naughty! It made me stop and think about what I was doing and how i was acting and I just started to cry! Once again he showed me what I should be doing. :) That little boy is so sweet. It made me so proud that I have taught my son so well. Well enough that he knows when its time to pray! He is the sweetest thing sometimes and it just makes me feel so GREAT!!! I have been sick and worn down the past two days so I n eeded that prayer! Now off to bed early again. :)

It's Finally OCTOBER!

Oh how we have waited and waited for this month to get here and it is HERE!!! YAHOO!!!
I am so excited. 28 days .. that seems like nothing after the 240+days we have been through already. Praise God! I have been feeling Overwhelmed I have 28 days to do so much stuff ... I am so excited though! I know God is going to get me through these days. I know he is holding my hand throught this whole 28 days ! This roller coaster of emotions is crazy! very crazy but I am guessing that its all just a normal process that happens in deployments. It is kind of hard when all my friends husbands are coming home already. They left after my husband left and they are coming home before. It makes me sad for a second and then I get over it. I know not to be jealous and I know not to be sad because my turn is coming! :) whooo hooo!

Its a tough road

Lately I have been trying to get back to being "normal" what ever that means! lol
I try my hardest to cook meals for the kids, try my hardest to bake cakes, cupcakes, make cookies be domesticated. Try my hardest to clean up the house every night before we go to bed. To keep laundry cleaned, keep our rooms cleaned. I have so much work to do before Matt gets home for his R&R and oh my it seems crazy. I only have 29 days.. .which seems like a lot but with two little boys and busy schedules its not very much time. Plus with my crazy mood swings its hard. There are days I am go go and want to clean up and then days when I am like really there is no reason too. I miss Matt so much and I know its only a little hill before he gets here after the big mountain we have climbed already but it seems like one of the hardest hills we have yet to come to! I pray that we get every thing done in a timely manner and not wait till the last minute and go crazy doing it all on my own. I pray that these 29 days dont go to waste and we use every day to get ready for Daddy's arival! I pray that they go at a pace that I can handle and not to fast an dnot to slow! I pray that I am a better wife, Christian, mother after these 29 days and that it shows and my husband is proud of me! I just pray that I get through these 29 days the best that we can. :)

hmmm.

I am so sad right now. I miss Matt so much and its almost awkward missing him. I mean I have not seen him in 8 1/2 months. It is going to be so werid to see his face in person his face period! Skype has sucked so bad over there latey we dont get to Video skype any more! :( I miss the sweet look of his Video distorted face. I need him here. I have been lately feeling overwhelmed with things. Overwhelmed with taking care of two kids, taking care of 2 parents. Not talking to Matt every day or getting to talk to him for like 5 mins one day and not talk to him for 2 days. I need all the strength and patience I can get right now. I just need to pray and I know that. I just need to go to my friends and ask them to pray for me and ask them for help! I know that, I Know that I am so far in this deployment and its "Almost" over! I know that!!! I am the one living this moment irght now I am the one living this life right now and I know all the things I am going through are NORMAL! I just need to feel these feelings get over them and move on! I am being a baby at times an dI guess I am entitled to it but its hard feeling this way. All the prayers and friendships are so helping. Today I cleaned up the boys room and my room pretty good and that felt GREAT! Now like 5 more rooms to clean up really well before Matt gets home and lots I mean lots to get rid of or throw away. I know right now I need to live in the moment and not live in oh man I have 4 freaking months left but at this moment and at this time in my life that is super super hard!!! I am trying! :)

The down side.

I decided that I needed to blog on how I have been feeling lately.
I am at a stand still with this deployment. Knowing Matt will be here in only 35 days and yet it seems so far away it is driving me nuts. I miss him more and more and then feel like anger and not sure if I want to see him but do want to see him. It is very very crazy! I am super stressed and I feel it within the boys as well. They are feeding off my stress and feeding off my anger. It sucks because we have some pretty down days. I started to potty train Alex 3 days ago and its going up and down and up and down and with me being so down in the dumps its just making it that much worse. He is so stubborn and I know he knows how to pee in the potty and poop! He has done both many many times its just he is like if I dont want to mom I am not going to till its when i want to! lol He is too cute. He is doing good though. I have to say I am pretty proud of him, I thought it would be way harder. I praise God for getting me through this hard time, No matter what he is there for me and I am greatful.
I am hoping that this time goes by faster and faster. It has been going fast but feels at a stand still again. I pray that I get back on track and start being the mom and wife that I should be and not so uptight!

excited

8 months down 4 more to go! Yippie. I can not beleive I have done so well so far. I mean don't get me wrong i have had a roller coaster of a ride these past 8 months but feel like I am doing pretty good at it all. I praise God for my overcoming these 8 months. I started running a couple of months ago, I am getting better and better. I started at running just like .50 straight and then got up to 1 mile then 1.89 then 2.4 now its about 3.94-5 miles. I am so proud. I run my first 5k October 23rd and I am so excited. I also go to Zumba class and Body combat that is so much fun! I keep us busy busy. I think that also seems to help out. Always keeping us busy so that we dont have time to be sad or miss Matthew too much. We have 39 days till Matt comes for his mid tour. He will only be here for 2 weeks but anything works at this point. Although i know its going to be hard when he leaves again we know that we have our Lord there to take us by the hand and bless us. Plus we only have 2 months after that to go. It will fly after 10 months we had been through already.
Halloween is supose to be awesome this year. I am so excited. :) I have never loved Halloween the way that I love it this year and I am sure the only reason is we get to be a family!
I am so blessed.

September.

yay! We are in the month of September. 57 days till daddy should be here. We are so super excited! The boys and I are always always busy..we enjoy staying busy.
It makes the days go by faster and faster. Bry is in Soccer and he loves it. He scores goal and blocks as best as he can. Bry also is in Pre-school and he likes that as well. He goes every day at 12:15. It is nice to have him in so late so we do not have to wake up at the crack of dawn every day. Plus when class is over then we are pretty much almost done with the day! Plus we go to the gym afterward usualy after dinner. So our nights and days are pretty full on the weekdays!
The boys got their Jerseys for Halloween yesterday! Bry was so happy but was like where is my # 1 on the back? he is so silly sometimes.
Alex started tumbling class and he cried the first two classes but then liked it the third time. He loves Buzz light year. He walks around the house saying Beyond!! beyond!!
Plus Alex had his 2 year old birthday!!! he is such a big big boy!! I am so happy for him. He had a great Toy Story 3 birthday!
We started the study of Esther at church. I am so super excited I love bible study! Something else to look forward to each and every week. Plus Mops starts tomorrow back again. I am excited for our first meeting. Both Karen's joined so I am happy to have them there as well.
Time is so flying by and sooner rather than later Daddy will be here and we will be going to the Bahamas and then , Thanksgiving will come and Christmas and then the new year and then Daddy will be back and done with deployment! Oh how I cant wait for that!
I have to say that as soon as I found a church and a GREAT AWESOME Church Family the deployment has flown by. Jesus our Lord has been so awesome to us and has blessed us so well.
I am so use to it being just the boys and I throught this whole process that I am starting to think about when Matt comes for his 2 week R&R it may be a little weird. I can not imagine having him here and being apart of our every day life. Life has been going some what smooth and It just seems werid. I am still excited to have him but a little concerned plus i am concered about when the 2 weeks end how it will effect the boys behavior and how much they will miss their daddy even more and worry about their daddy leaving all the time.
I just pray we get through it all and I know we will. :)
I am truly blessed with the new friends I have made and that continue to come in to our lives. I am also Truly blessed with the friends that I have now and that continue to be there for the boys and I. God is good all the time! :)

August...

Oh my goodness, It is already August.
Bry starts Fall preschool this month, the purple room. Alex starts tumble class and turns 2 this month! yay! That is so bitter sweet because Alex is my baby its possible we wont have any more children so he might be my last baby! and he is getting too big! He talks in small sentences, he says please and thank you! He is getting so big and so cute! He is getting slimmer and a little taller. Starting to look so much more like a big boy! I am such a proud mom! Bry starts fall pre school and i am excited and then we start ofallon parks and recs mighty soccer ball. He is so excited.
Time seems to be flying by and I am getting more and more excited. 89 days till Matthew comes home for his visit. 170 days till the whole deployment is over. Seems like a long time but really isnt. We already have gone through 250 or more days! We can do it. We have the power of prayer and the Strength that Jesus gives us each and every day! God is Good! All the time. :)
Bryan has been acting up again, being alittle mean as well. Hitting me every now and then when he is mad and then telling me to hush and stuff. I guess its that he wants his daddy back so bad.. he misses him like crazy and he misses playing hockey with him. I can not wait for him to see his daddy again! and Alex i know they will be so super excited. me too!!!

6 months and counting.

Today Marks 6 months! Wahoo. We have been through 6 months and just have 6 more to go.
I truly feel proud of my self. The boys and I have done soo good. We of course had a few, well more than a few bumps in the road and still continue to have them but we are doing good. :) We are so busy and keep busy. We have Soccer coming up. :) I can't wait to see how that is going to go. Plus I think that I am going to enroll Alex in soccer class too at Vetta sports, or enroll him in a tumble mommy and me class. He needs his mommy time as well. :) I love my boys so much. Matt seems to be doing well too. He has a set schedule, he now works 7 days a week and I am thinking that it helps the time go by faster for him. I am so excited that in less than 11 months we should be living in Hawaii., In 14 months we will be renewing our vows on a Hawaiian beach! So exciting. :)
I love my husband so much.. I am so blessed by God our Lord, helping me get through these days. Helping me get through the Very Very tough times. I know he will continue to help me through thick and thin. :)

July :)

At this point seems like I can only blog once a month. I seriously never have time to just sit here and type. Bry is doing so good in T-ball. He is awesome at it. He loves to catch the ball and hit the ball and run the bases. He makes me so proud. He does so well in Rainbows class, His class at church. He has learned one bible verse and is doing pretty good on his second one. :) He loves the Lord so much and he loves church. He even has a new best friend, her name is Charlee. She is in his class at school and also Rainbows class.
Alex is doing so good too. He talks so much, but his favorite word now is NO! lol Do you want some dinner Alex... No! Do you want a drink Alex? No! Every time Bryan comes near him he says NO Bryan no! He is in his terrible two's now. He throws tantrums for every thing.
I miss Matt still, we are almost at 6 months half way through! I am actually proud of myself and how Good we seem to be doing. :) I am truly blessed.
I am excited that it's only 3 months and 2 weeks till we get to be with him for 2 weeks. It is going to be so hard for him to leave again but at that point we will only have 2 more months to go and that will be hopefully easier after the 10 months we have already at that point been through.
Bryan starts Mighty Ball Soccer at Ofallon Community park next month, He finishes t-ball this next saturday and they get trophies. He took Tball pictures and I can not wait to get them back. I am super excited about them.
Next month is Alexandre's Birthday Wow my baby is going to be 2 already! I can not belive it. It sucks that Matt has to miss this birthday too but hopefully we will skype daddy again so that he can be there through the internet. His party is going to be theme of Toy story! They both are trully in to the movies, We watch them day and night. I love my boys! They are trully all three of them my blessings from God!
I turn 27 this month and Matt is going to miss that too! :( 27 is my favorite number! Time sure does fly by. I am going to be 30 in only 3 years and I truly don't feel as old as that. I guess my boys keep me young. :)

June.

Alright so it has been quite a while since I have been on. :( Life is just so busy busy, I almost never have time to just sit and have Mommy time. Bry Started Pre-school (the summer program) This month. He is doing sooo good in school and he loves it. From day one he was like Bye Mom! He enjoys his teachers and friends in school. I am so proud! He went on his first Field Trip last week. They went to Schnucks. He did not like it all to much but he did love the Lobsters! He loved the Bakery as well. Bry also Started T-ball the same week he started pre-school. EAch week he gets better and better at being there. He seems to really like being with those other kids and he likes his Coaches. So many milestones we are getting through this month!
Alex is starting to talk soo soo much. His favorite word right now Is BRYAN! lol He is always asking for Bryan or pointing to Bryan. He loves Bryan so much! He looks up to him and wants to always do everything he does. It is so cute because this sunday when Church let out and I went to get the boys out our their Church Rooms, Alex said Momma Bryan? Bryan momma? I opened the door and Bry came running out of his Room and alex Went up to him and touched his face and was so happy to see him! They held hands and started to walk out. :) They are too cute. Tonight as I left them in bed, their seperate beds, I went in to check them an hour later and they were in the same bed ! They are too sweet together. Alex talks so much Always saying something new each and every day. It is so hard to think that he is going to be 2 years old soon! 2 more months! Wow time is sure flying by. From the day Matt left, Alex had 2 teeth and said Dadda only I think at the time. Now he is so talkative, and has a full mouth of teeth and he is so active. Alex is such a dare devil and go getter. He tries everything and never fails, he will try and try till he acheives his ultimate goal. He is a super sweet boy and he still is a drama King!
Matt seems to be doing well. He just started College class this last week. He seems to like it but be confused about it all. He has a set routine and is really getting the time to pass by for himself. I am so proud of that Man.
We still miss him every single day, some weeks and days are so much harder than others. Yet with the Grace of God we get through them all. With prayer to our Lord Jesus we get through another day, get through another week and each one passes by and we get closer to see his wonderful face and feeling his great hugs and kisses. I am truly blessed for everything that I have in my life. I am blessed that I have to live through this so that one day I can help someone else that may need it.

It's May Already

Wow, It is May already.
Time is shooting by. It is so nice to be so busy at times. only 5 more months and daddy comes home for a 2 week R&R. :) That is going to be so awesome since we are going on a Cruise to the Bahamas with him and our in laws. Bry starts pre-school next month and T-ball. I am excited for both. Matt seems to be doing pretty good as well. He misses us tons which is obviously normal but he is doing so good, he is doing such a good job over there helping the Afghani Army. :) We are so proud of him. This last Saturday he pinned on Tech Sgt.! Yay for him and us! We are also planning our Disney world trip for Feb. 2011 :) So much to plan and get ready for. We have our upside down days but mostly we have good days. I actually went to the mall with both boys and my friend and her 3 kids and was honestly not stressed out once. That is such an accomplishment because there has never been a time with both kids that I have not stressed out at the mall.. :) I was so proud of myself. Bry just has his 3rd Birthday, although it was hard not having daddy here with us, we got through it. The party was so awesome and all of our friends showed up and it was such a delight to share that day with every one we loved. I still can not believe my baby is 3 years old already! He is such a big boy. He even acts older. It is too cute. My next milestone to get to is the 4th of July. :) Then Alex's Birthday party. :) After that we will only have 2 months till daddy gets home for a visit! YAY!! come on time fly by!

God's blessing!

So three days ago I lost my wedding ring, As some sort of symbol I have yet to take off my ring since Matt has left. Well the other day I was outside playing with bubbles, I took the dog for a jog, then bathed the boys and put them to bed. When I finally sat down to relax I realized my ring was missing from my finger! I was so sad. I prayed and prayed for 2 days, just lived life as normal, even though I was so down, asked a few others to pray as well, learned a few lessons through my bible study and through prayer, finally yesterday when I was not thinking about it I came home from MOPs, and there it was by my tv, I run upstairs to see who found it and Elliott found it outside!! :) It was such a blessing to me! I really missed my ring.:) Through prayer I have also been able to control Bry's melt downs and mean ness for the most part. :) God gives us such blessings in life andI am so proud to be one of his children! :)

Soul searching.

We have our ups and we have our downs. Lately things have been up for a while. We have adjusted to having my parents here in the house. I have been going to bible study and it's been really helping me and opening my eyes to so much. Helping me see how I can be a better parent, better wife, better daughter, and better friend. It has let me see how wrong I have been in the past and the things I need to do to change my ways. Matt is doing pretty good. He has helped the Afghani's so much and I am so proud of all the work he is doing over there. They finally got milk recently and he asked for His favorite cereal! lol It is funny how we take so much for granted ... even having our favorite cereal we dont think that some where out there someone is not able to eat cereal or even have milk. Matt keeps telling me that the first thing he wants to do is go out to eat! lol he misses fast food, and he misses pizza!!! Poor thing! i miss him so much, but I am at peace with out situation and realize this is our life at the moment and I have to get through it day by day no matter what. I can't give up, I have to keep going and make the best of what I have right now. I love Matt so much an dI am so blessed to have such a strong, caring,devoted man as my husband. I am working on myself right now and I am so blessed with everything I have in my life. 10 weeks down. :) I only hope that the rest of the year goes by just as fast. in the beggingin of Matt leaving I set goal in my mind of times I wanted to get through and I would feel it was a mile stone, Bryan's 3rd birthday is one of those. It is soon coming up and i am so excited. It is one of my bigger milestones i have wanted to get to! :) and it is almost here!! wow!! :) Our baby is going to be 3 already! Feel's like not long ago i was drugged up and having my 4lb 4 oz little Bryan Zachary! :) He is such a great little boy getting so big! such a big helper, has such a temper on him and so much sas! lol He is his mother's son! lol Yet he is sporty like daddy! and outgoing like daddy! He is a great big brother and has a GREAT imagination! Alex is doing good as well. :) He is so sweet and mild tempered, Loves to go go go !! He loves to be outside and loves to play all sports. It is such a joy to watch my two boys grow in to such great lovable children. I get so sad thinking that Matt is missing this whole year of her little boy's joys, and sadness, and fears, but realize that I am so blessed to be able to see everything! I am able to share with him everything and I am able to talk to him each and every day and that is more than some people can say. :) Tomorrow we celebrate our first bigger "family holiday" with out him. I am blessed to have his family here and my family as well so that we can get through this holiday and not feel so alone. I honestly can say I do not feel alone and have not felt that way in a long time! :)

High hopes.

We are on Week 9 now and time is still continuing to fly! I have been 2 months away from my husband, it has so far been a tough journey but I am looking up from here on out. :) I have been so down and missing Matt so much lately. I started talking to my neighbor and she was telling me about her church and about her bible study group and even gave me lesson plans they did last week and reading all this and preparing for bible study gave me such high hopes for our future, I feel God has helped me as always in the weridest ways get back to fighting this fight against satin and his demons. I feel like so much stress has been lifted from my shoulders and i feel like a Stronger person spiritually. I am greatful for this I truly am. Although I am realistic and now that I will most likely have more ups and more downs.. I truly feel I have GOD on my side. I know with our love ( my husbands and my) we can get through anything. This is going to make us stronger as a couple and as a family, also as individuals. I love God, love my husband and I love my boys, I am here ready and armed for what the world may send my way.

Been a while....

It has been a little while since I last really blogged. Life has gone upside down and inside out the past month. Most of the time I don't even know what day it is.. What time it is.. or month lol. I have my days when I miss Matt soo much it hurts. Then I have my days that go by so fast I don't have time to miss Matt. Matt and I talk every day, we still have are disagreements even being so far apart.. lol I guess we always will. We have decided to put Bry in preschool for a summer Session. I am excited for that since I really want him to be socialized. :) He is doing so good, he have been an awesome great big brother for Alex. We are putting Bry in T-ball this summer , cant wait! Alex is talking so much more now. He is so cute. He makes me smile, but he is a lot more bossy and thinks he needs to get what he wants all the time lol. Terrible twos seem to have started already! lol I feel like I am in for a long long year! Matt has been gone 8 weeks today. Seems like a long time but then again does not seem like a long time.. But at least we have only 10 months left right?! :) Matt is set to come home at the End of October for two weeks. It sucks that it is not sooner rather than later but then again when he leaves us again we will only have 8 weeks left. I guess 8 weeks wont be so bad after 10 whole months. Right now it seem like forever since we just got through the first 8 weeks.
There are days where my life is a blur and I just want my life to go back to normal. With Matt here and us living as a family here in our house alone. I have to say it is not always easy sharing our home, our food, our space. Especially when I am missing matt terribly and instead of him being here someone else is.. .I at times feel selfish ... I am working on that.
I love my friends so much. If it was not for them I would not be getting through these tough and good days! Hopefully we get through the next 8weeks just as fast. :)

Myself?!

I have not been myself lately. Things have been quite a roller coaster for me and for the boys. I am hoping we are over this hump and will slowly go back to whater ever normal is at this point. We have had situations happen and set us back quite a bit.. took me back to almost feeling the way I felt week one! I have started to miss Matt a lot! and feel like it will be forever till we see him again. I am not excited for much of anything an y more and its horrible. My awesome In laws took the boys this weekend so I can have a much much much needed break! :) I hope this helps me get back to reality and be the great loving mom and wife I know I can be. I get to take a nap !!! lol and wake up late! woo hoo! I was very sick yesterday!! I think from stress! I feel better today and hope that it continues to get better. :) We found out Matt will be home for his 2 week break in October yay!!! now if it was only October! Slowly but surely! I can not wait to be myself again... :)

Change

I never realized how big of a change it would be to add my parents in to the mix...
It is very different from what I could have imagine, although I dont think that I even thought what it would be like to add 2 more people in to our mix. I just thought of help! and that in itself made me happy. It is a huge adjustment and I am trying to make the best of it. At this point my parents need me and I need them. They help a bunch with the boys and My mom cooks every night. That is so awesome we have nice meals every day! They are great. At first it made me sad that Matt was not here to guide me and help me through the insanity! lol but I am starting to get use to it day by day. The days with them here go by super fast! I cant even remember sometimes what day it is. Time is flying and that is a part that I am super happy about! The boys are loving their Nana an Grandpa. One thing is Bry started to test me again to see what he can get away with while two other adults are in the house. That in itself has been such an adjustment. We miss Matt terribly but now that he has internet in his room we talk to him every day in the morning. It is nice to wake up and see his smiling face. And to hear about his day. I love my boys! and I love my family ! Change is helpful at times. :)

1 month down! 12 more to go!

Yay!! One month already! woo hoo! lets party!
Today was a bitter sweet day. A month already with out my love but its finally a milestone we passed. I actually got through our first and might be our hardest month. Today was a hard day, Bry woke up grumpy threw 2 tantrums as we talked to daddy in the am and then threw 5 more throught the day and is still throwing one as a I type! Thank God it's bed time. :) Matt finally got internet in his dorm rooms! YAY!!! And he finally got his Valentine Box! Plus my parents are about 6 hours away!!! :) That in itself is bitter sweet... I have listened to music all day awaiting my parents. Music soothes my soul! I forgot how much I loved music and realized how much I miss it. My last day with all the freedom in the world lol.. Freedom to walk around in my small tiny pjs... freedom to do whatever I want in my own house. Yet it brings a new freedom, freedom to go get my massages, freedom to go shopping on my own. :) Can't wait to see what this next month brings.

So we are celebrating our first semi holiday with out daddy. You would think that this holiday might make me sad... might make me miss my husband even more. In all reality it didn't I missed him just the same lol ... and I was not at all sad today. I had the best two valentine's today. We woke up and had cinamon rolls.. Bry knows Daddy loves Cinnamon rolls and asked if we could send one to him in the mail . :) then we made pizza for lunch.. Yummy!! and then played cooking and cleaned up the living room ... then Had pasta for dinner. After that we decided to make Heart shaped cupcakes and decorate them! then we played kick ball !! We had a wonderful Valentine's day ! It was nice.. I do miss my hubby and we did get to talk to him today so that was awesome. He is such an awesome man! Hope everyone else had a Happy Valentine's day.

Keeping my fingers crossed....

Still no parents yet. Hopefully by monday! :) I am keeping my fingers crossed. I rea!lly need a break! These boys can be a lot of work somedays. I have so much tension and tension headaches. I can not wait till I can go get my massages. I sure do need them. Plus their company will help bunches! not just for me but for the boys also. :) it will sure be a nice change. I put Alex to bed tonight his normal time and he started to cry a half an hour later and I went to check in on him and he threw up all over himself and his bed! :( So I amdoing his laundry! and waiting for that before I put him back to bed. Plus Bry has a new bedtime routine. He comes to my bed for a half an hour extra after alex's goes to bed to cuddle with me and watch Wow Wow Wubbzy! He loves the extra attention well with Alex throwing up it threw his time all off and he was running aruond playing! I told him if he did not lay down and relax he was going to go straight to bed.. he did not listen and I followed through with what I told him.. Well he screamed and cried for 20 mins!!! kicking the bed and floor! Sometimes I wonder where I get my patience from! :) Hefinally stopped and I went in there and cuddled him , sang his favorite song ( you are my Bryan) and gave him big kisses and he is now asleep. Now I just have to get alex to bed and hope he does not throw up again tonight.. or tomorrow. Hopefully my night gets easier and I get some good nights rest.

3 Weeks down. :)

Yes, Oh my it's been three weeks now since I last hugged and kissed my husband! I miss him so much!!!! Every day I hope and pray that he gets to call us on Skype and talk to us. I am at a point where it does not break my heart totally if we are unable to talk to him that day. I am getting use to not being able to talk to him too often. They still do not have the best internet so there are days we do not get to talk to him, and days were we talk to him for 5 mins or so and he suddenly gets kicked off and I know he wont be back online that day.
Bryan is getting better each day. He does have his downs though.. and that is always tough but I have become a lot stronger of a mom. I am pretty proud of how well we are doing and how much patience I have gained. This morning he broke my heart, He said mommy, I lost my daddy and i can't find him!!! i think he had a dream about his daddy! :( Poor little guy! He loves to talk to his daddy on skype. He always seems to do so much better on the days he does see him!
Alex finally got to see his daddy on Skype! He gets very happy.. And Alex does not normally talk. He is my little Grunter when he wants things ( we are slowly working on him talking) Well the other day we seen daddy on Skype and I said Say hi Daddy.. and Alex did just that!! He said Hiiiii Dadddi... :) It made me so proud and I bet it Made Matt feel awesome!! :) I was a bit jealous! lol He talks for his daddy but not me. After that day he started to talk a little bit more. :)
My parents should be here soon! I am so excited for that. They are packing their stuff up and getting things done over at their home.. so they should soon be on their way! YAY!
Finally we will be able to come home to some one being here! That will make me feel so much better. I can't wait! :) I am ready for a break! :)

GIRLS NIGHTOUT! :)

Due to my Great Mother in law I get to go see Dear John tonight with my buddies! I am so excited. I am ready to cry my head off lol ! I have been waiting for this day for 2 weeks now I think. :) I am ready for a break and its a break that I can just relax the whole time knowing that they are with My mother in law and they love her so much.
Today I was thinking about my husband and my first date. How it was so funny because he picks me up and he opens my door for me and then closes it when I get in.. He turns on the car and Blarring in the car is Frayser boy. Big time RAP! It was too funny to me to see my cute little date total White boy clean cut listens to RAP! LOL I was shocked! I never imagined it. I honestly had to play the first song we ever heard together today and thought of that date.. and Just reminised! I miss him so much. I have been talking to him more on Skype! We are so blessed. I know there are families who have no idea where and what their family member is doing. I know some dont get to talk for weeks! I am trully blessed with everyone who loves us and takes care of us and worries about us. Keep the Prayers coming. I love you babe!

DEAR JOHN HERE I COME!!! :)

Never fails...

So yesterday after being excited about the fact that we were on the start of week 3, We had a tough day. Bryan is so clingy to me. Every where in the house I go he is following 5 seconds behind me, being the only parent here and having the kids 24/7 and them getting sick and us being cooped up at home... is over whelming. Bry was not taking naps for like 3 days .... and calling me from his room and kicking and hitting the way all through out nap time. Alex was fussy all day mostly yesterday. We went and mailed daddy's Valentine's day care package yesterday as well and it weighed 50 lbs!!! A great man helped me bring it in to the post office. I was very blessed that he happend to be there and help me take it to the counter as I had Bry with me. I miss Matt so much! It is hard not talking to him and not seeing him. When the kids act up or I feel overwhelmed I break down because I just want him here. I just want his kisses and I want his hugs.
I hate that the Military has not supplied these men with more options to talk to their families. The familes left behind need that support from the deployed family member. We need to see them and talk to them at least more than we have. My boys need to see their daddy. It breaks my heart each and every day that they do not have their daddy here to help them play h ockey or help them be good boys. Matt finally got to skype me again last night and that was such a releif after my day. I love him so much he is so great. Even with me crying my head off to him he tried his hardest to be strong for me and let me know that he feels the same way. He misses us just as much as we miss him. He wants to see us and be with us and is so hurting when he does not get to see us too! He is so supportive. He always tells me that I look great. He thinks I am wonderful! I love him so much... He is such a great loving man!
I am proud of myself , I have finally started cooking dinner for the boys again, Yet I realized why I did not for 2 weeks. It makes me honestly sad to sit at the table with them and not have my husbad there eating as a family. I feel sad that Matt is so far away and not getting the yummy home cooked meal that we are. Then at the same time it makes me feel great when the boys love the food and are so excited to sit there at the table as a "family" I am still trying so hard to make things normal for them.
Bryan is on night 3 of sleeping in his own bed. I am so proud of him. one night I just said ok you are sleeping in your bed and he wa sok with it. He is such an awesome kid. He is listening to me a little more and it makes me proud. I love my boys so much they keep me going ... :) I am ready for a time when we have good days and keep the good days and not have a good day and then have a horrible day the next! It never fails....

Really 2 weeks??!

We are at the end of 2 weeks already! Starting on Week 3! I miss my husband a whole lot! His Internet is still very bad. I no longer wait by the computer to see if he can come online each and every day. I just realized we can not live our life around the computer, we have to get on with our lives and live it, so that the days fly by. I was feeling a little down not being able to talk to Matt as often as I would like, not bein able to hear his voice on saturday, so I called up my in laws and we went there for the afternoon and evening. :) It was nice to be around family. I love my mother in law and father in law so much. They have been there for us throught all this time, they take Bryan every other weekend to sleep over on the weekend! :) They are wonderful! All of my friends have been great too! :) I am so blessed to have them all on my side. My parents are suppose to be coming soon as well. :) I am trully excited for them to come! I know they will trully be a help. I got a really great email from Matt the othe rnight since that is our only form of contact at this point ( his work email) ! It made my night! He is such a wonderful man! I am so proud of him. Bryan is acting up now and then and being mean. He is in what my friend calls his anger stage of his daddy being gone. Her son went throgh the same type of thing and it lasted most of his daddies deployment so I am trying to deal with that right now. Plus the boys keep getting sick with coughs and colds right now.. We are dealing all well right now. :) I am pretty happy with the way we all seem to be coping as of yet. I am happier now. I laugh and play with the boys. I am doing my best and I hope it shows.....

Just the way I remembered.....

Seeing his face, he looks just the way I remembered! It was such a wonderful site. He finally got to video call us last night. It was such a relief after 9 days of not seeing him. it made my night It was great to flirt and laugh with him just as if he was in the same room with me. It made me realize how much more I am in love with that man. I am so proud of him, I am so proud of the man that he is and continues to be. He makes me so happy. As he talked to our oldest son, I could see how much he misses us! I see that he feels the same way we do. I know he has that empty feeling deep inside as well... and it makes me ache for him. He is doing so well though. He found a group of Canadians to play hockey with! LOL Yes even in Afghanistan my husband finds HOCKEY!! lol He lives and Breathes hockey! SO I was so releived to find out that he is playing the sport that he loves. I honestly thought initially I would be jealous that he is still living his life and doing what makes him happy.. but realized how much I truly love this man and how he is truly my best friend and I just want him happy. Me and the boys have to sit here and stilllive our lives with out him... and make our selves happy, so I was so happy for him to be doing the same. I have high hopes.. and I feel like a stronger woman after talking to him! :)

One week down.

We survived a week! With help from GREAT friends we actually got through the first week yay!
We still don't get to talk to Matt on a schedule yet, which is hard. I notice that days I actually do chat with him I have a better out look on the day. It's nice to know he has things to do. He found people to play Hockey with on Sundays! That is my Matt always finding hockey where ever he goes. I am glad that he has that to get him through the week. :)

The boys and I are sick with colds and coughs so that is tough. We have a lot of whiney moments that drive me batty! Plus I got a root canal yesterday and although it did not hurt too much yesterday, it hurts today. Bryan accidently jumped on my face with his head, and hit my tooth!!! OUCH!
Just like everyone who has gone through deployments said things are getting easier.. in fact We actually went to the post office again today and it was a breeze! :) I had my paper work filled out before hand and just went in there handed them the package and got out of there fast and easy.
Week 2 already started and I have to say I am ready for it.. :)

I talked to him!

He finally called us. He got to his final destination on early Saturday morning. :) So he was able to call us on his co workers Skpye phone line and I talked to him for a bit. It was so great to hear his voice. I am finally doing a bit better. I had a day full of no tears finally yesterday! Woo hoo!
I hope that we get to hear from him again soon. He said that he does not have internet in his room yet but hopefully within the next 2 weeks they will have it. I have been on cloud 9 since I talked to him last night. I have a super duper smile on my face. I am so in love with my husband and so proud of him!

It will get better....

I hear those words on a daily basis now... I know they will come true soon but how soon? I wish it was today I wish it was yesterday! Yesterday I had an awful day. I cried pretty much all of the day and just had no will to do anything. I miss Matt horribly we hardly get to talk and when we do its kind of short and on Instant messege. I can not wait till he gets to his final destination and we are able to set some sort of schedule. I miss him horribly! i do not feel myself with out him here. I need his hugs, I need him to tell me things will be ok. I need him to love on me and tease me and make me laugh. Or do I? Maybe I just want all those things and not need them but I feel horrible with out him here. I look at my two sweet little boys faces and feel horrible for being so down. All they want is to play and eat and just have a good time and there goes mommy again crying.
My really good friend came over last night and just sat and talked with me and although at first I was worried and skepticle that it would do any different, it did wonders! I felt honestly better after she left and fell straight to sleep! She just sat there and accepted me crying and being a mess and that made me feel great. Then not being totally alone at night made me feel better too. Hearing her experiences and feelings helped a bit too.
I see today as once again a new day and i am ready to start this battle all over again. I am ready to try and smile and be happy and know that my husband is safe and we will do ok with out him.
So as I carry a smile on my face and a warm heart I start our day....

Break down...

So today I had so many errands to run.. And had to run them all with my two crazy boys! We went to the Credit union in St louis and they were all over the place. Then we went to the Dr.s office and once again opening things and grabbing things and running up to people! Then to the pharmacy to get Alex's Medicine for his ear infection. Then after that we had to send daddy his 2nd big foot locker full of junk foods... and that was a mess!!! The boys went crazy in the post office I was so embarrased! I feel like blaming Matt, blaming myself, blaming my boys, yet I know deep down inside there is no one to blame. I am trying so hard to be strong for all of us it just becomes too much sometimes. I have gotten to talk to Matt 2 times now since he left and have gotten one email from him and he is not yet where he is going to be living for the next 13 months. I can not wait till we all get in to a routine and when we can have times to see him on Skype and talk on the internet! I need him, I need his hugs I need him to be here and tell me things will be ok and calm me down. I have been a crying mess now for 20 mins but Now I get to pick myself back up and keep going for the three men in my life!

He's gone.. Day 1

I totally forgot what is was like to take care of both boys on my own! I did not realize until today that Matt does alot to help our days go by nice and smooth. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. The boys did pretty good today, no big tantrums of any sort thank goodness. Alex is sounding really sick though so when we chatted with Matt on Skype he asked me to take him to the Dr. tomorrow. As it gets later in the evening I start to get sad, I am starting to feel lonley. I am trying not to look at the big picture, yet that is really hard. When Bry acts up I think I have to deal with a whole year of this?! It really depresses me.
Such a bitter sweet moment this morning was, I mean at least we started our 13 month Journey, but we no longer have Daddy here which is hard. 13 Months seems so long at this point, I only hope it flies by.
I am very happy at the way everyone has been stepping up, most of all my friends have let me know that they are more than happy to help out. My Mother in law even called me today to make sure we were doing good! Every one has brought my spirits up. I just hope that this does not fade in time. I will need them by my side throught this whole Journey... I guess it is time for bed to wake up and see what Tomorrow brings.....

One more week.

Where did the end of December and the start of January go?!?! It is officially a week till the love of my life leaves and we start our 365 day journey with out him. We being 2 Dogs a Cat and 2 turtles and my 2 boys Bryan and Alex and Me . Bryan is 2 1/2 and Alex is 1 1/2 . They are both daddys boys and I am sure going to be a wreck once daddy leaves. We are going to try hard to stay strong for one another. :) I plan on staying busy busy and keeping the boys occupied as much as I can so that our year goes by super fast. We also have the best of friends to help us get through this tough time.
We have done a couple TDY's 1 week and 3 week ones so they are nothing compared to what we have to endure soon but we have some experience.
I hope to come on as often as time and my boys will let me and share our journey, the pain,the happiness,the struggle, everything I can. :) So far with this week ahead I have been sad here and there and have cried a bit lately. I look at My love and just cry thinking I wont be able to see him face to face and hug him soon... for a long time. Bryan knows daddy is going and he is worried every time Daddy leaves the room he is like MOmmy where is Daddy? where did he go? He already asked daddy not to leave! Alex I am sure does not understand much of the idea that daddy is leaving but i am sure it will affect him just as much as it does Bryan and me. He is going to change so much while Daddy is gone and I feel so bad that daddy has to miss most of it. Alex only has 4 teeth as of yet, and does not really talk that much except for baby babble. So Bryan and I have the pleasure of teaching Alex to talk more and potty training him and him teething ! :) As of today I feel ready, we have known he is leaving us since August and it has been a tough tough journey since then, but we are almost here and almost ready to go.